Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas!! What a wonderful, long, exhausting day! Christmas eve was busy! We had presents and brunch with Eric's family then I had to go to my parents to clean and wrap presents with the baby then back to Eric's parents to hang out for the rest of the night. 24 hours of A Christmas Story? Heck yeah! Unless a migraine hits and you are suffering alone in a dark, quiet room. Which is exactly how I spent Christmas Eve. It was terrible! 

I suffer from migraines a few times a month ever since I was about 3. It is horrible! It hit around 7:00 PM and I just couldn't function, I went upstairs and laid down and after about an hour or so I was able to fall asleep and thought it was gone when I woke up a couple hours later but by the time we got home it was back in full force. Luckily a hot shower and some ibuprofen helped knock it out and I was able to finish cleaning, wrapping, and putting out the presents. I was up until 4 and had to be back up at 8 but no big deal! 

This morning Eric and I woke up and opened our presents from one another before the baby woke up. I was so freaking surprised! I got the kitchen aid stand mixer I have been asking for since I was 14 and these beautiful Martha Stewart stainless steel, copper bottom pots and pans I cried over in Macy's! Seriously, I cried when I saw them. I did not expect Eric to get me them or my mixer! He is the absolute best! He was surprised by his gifts! I ended up getting him whiskey rocks, 2 Arnold Schwarzenegger movies, Grand Theft Auto 5, his Giants jersey and... the signed Eli Manning jersey! I didn't give him that one, though until his parents came over for breakfast.  Plus, tons of stocking stuffers. I love being able to surprise him like that! He seemed so happy and surprised. :) 

Breakfast was good. I made quiche and Eric took care of the meats. Once we ate breakfast we opened Ben's gifts. He did open them, he grabbed right a hold of the paper and tore and then tried to eat it, it was adorable. I am happy Mike and Lorrie were able to spend the morning with us. After breakfast we headed to my parents before my sisters to open gifts. My parents got Eric a Keurig! Awesome!!!  I got my Rachel Ray garbage bowl, mustache TOMS, and A Kindle Paperwhite!! I LOVE IT! I am such a reader and running out of room on our bookshelves. Plus, my brother and his wife bought me a Vera Bradley case for it. That was such a nice surprise that I cried. We don't exchange gifts between siblings in my family; there are too many of us, but it was just so nice of them. 

After that we went to my sisters for dinner. It was just a loud, busy event! Our family was there as well as her husbands family. Then, our final stop was Eric's Grandparents house. We exchanged more gifts there. We are such a blessed family full of love and faith and happiness and good fortune. I couldn't be happier or thank God any more than I do for all He does for us. 

Now, both of my boys are sleeping soundly and I am starring at the lights on our tree feeling full of love, happiness, and food. 

Hurry Up, Christmas!

We got our tree! We went with a fake one since we don't have a whole lot of room. I am a little bummed out since I have always had real trees and they didn't even have the fake one we wanted to begin with. But, it's still perfect and it only took about 20 minutes to set up, light, and decorate. haha I love it! I love starring at the tree when the room lights are off. 

 Ben met Santa, also! He was wearing a "Santa's Little Helper" shirt, it was so adorable! He smiled a little during the first set of pictures but the kid never loaded them on the card so we had to do a round 2. We got the cutest picture of Ben and "Santa" looking at each other! It was a candid shot and it was so cute! Then Ben played with his beard. Adorable. 

I just can't wait for Christmas!! I am so antsy and excited!! I have just been filling my days with cleaning and wrapping presents and a few date nights thrown in there. Eric and I do really well I think at making sure to make time for each other. We have seen a couple movies and had a weekend in Hershey to see Trans Siberian Orchestra. It is all wonderful!  

It feels like December is the longest month! I just want it to be Christmas! I want to spend the day with family and just enjoy another wonderful holiday with Eric and celebrate Ben's 1st Christmas!

I'm Tired!!

I am SO tired! I have been non-stop for a week straight! Which I understand this is a stupid statement, but as a stay at home mom to a 5 month old I am not crazy busy. I have plenty of time in a day to get stuff done. But, this week Ben and I have been out the door after his morning bottle and getting home in time for his "night time routine". He doesn't have a routine but he does NOT like to nap when he isn't at home so cleaning takes twice as long to do when you are trying to entertain a baby who is cranky from being tired. He has been sleeping ALL day today since we had no where to go. My poor baby! I feel terrible but I am earning some money and being able to buy my love something I know he will love makes me super excited! 

Vacation is coming up soon and I cannot wait! I am getting a little antsy about how Ben will do being away from home for 9 days but I am hoping since he will be with us plus Eric's parents he will adjust fairly well. My sister and a couple of our friends will also be in Orlando when we are! My friend, Brittany is getting married and they are going to Florida to dress shop with her mom so we are going to meet in Downtown Disney for a night. I am excited! 

Eric seems to be a little stressed out and I know he doesn't want to bother me too much but I can see it on his face and he just gets a little quieter. I try not to push and I know I don't help the situation with me not working but he is an excellent provider and we have more than we need. I am very thankful, though to be able to stay home with our sweet baby boy. I just wish I could show him how much I appreciate him. I tell him all the time but I just don't know if he knows I really mean it. I say this all the time but I think about it a lot. Well, rambling done.

Preparation for Christmas!

Since I am staying home with Ben I am not making any money which is a bummer when the Holidays roll around. So, to remedy that I am cleaning a couple houses so I can have a little money to be able to buy Eric a few presents. I know Christmas isn't about the presents and Eric and I decided to not buy each other gifts but Eric being Eric, he told me he bought me a couple gifts and I cannot have him have nothing to open. So, I am cleaning houses and I have to bring Ben with me since I do it during the week in the afternoon and everyone else is well, working!

I am so excited for Ben's first Christmas! I know he will not remember it and everything we do is more for us but still, it is his first Christmas! We will be taking him to meet Santa this week and he already has his Christmas outfit and we have all his gifts done! Christmas will be such a hectic day, though. I don't do good with hectic! I am hoping I will be able to enjoy it. We will be doing Christmas with Eric's family on Christmas eve morning then his parents will come to our house for Christmas morning to see Ben open his gifts and for Breakfast, then to my parents, then to my sisters! A busy day but I cannot wait!!! I am currently bidding on a signed Eli Manning jersey for Eric! I am highest bidder and the auction ends soon and I am hoping I get it! Eric will be so surprised! I plan on getting him another Giants jersey he can actually wear, also. Last year all his gifts were Giants things and I have a feeling that is how this year will be but it's tough to buy for him!

We have all had a cold go around our house, Eric was sick for about a week and still has a pretty bad cough, the baby had a stuffy nose for about 2 days and then I got it. Ughh. I always get sick a week or two after Eric gets better. Oh, well at least only one of us are down at a time. Other than that, things are good! Life is good. I am happy. 

A Little Update on Ben.

Well, my bubby is growing up too fast! Ugh! I wish time would slow down a bit! He is now a hip sitter, giggles ALL the time at everything, eats 6 oz. or more at a feeding, he is trying to roll over still but has a hard time getting his feet untangled, but he will get there, and now.... he sleeps through the night!!!

Ben's normal bedtime schedule was bath at 10, bottle after, cuddles, then in the crib by 11:30-midnight. Then one night, he started getting fussy around 8 PM so we gave him his bath and bottle and he was out by 8:30 and didn't wake up until a little after 10 the next morning! I woke up 10 times through the night to check on him because he would normally wake up at least once to eat around 4:30 AM. 

Eric and I both thought it was just a one time thing but now we are almost 3 weeks in and he is still going strong! Sometimes he wakes up around 8:15 AM and whines so we give him his paci and he goes back to bed until after 10. Hello, sleep!!! I have missed you!!!

He is such a sweet and wonderful blessing to us. I love our little family of three and can't wait for next fall when we try for number two!!

Thanksgiving

Goodbye November! We had a nice Thanksgiving. I made my first homemade batch of bread! It came out awesome and I am so proud! It was a honey oatmeal bread. Delicious! We went to Eric's grandparents for a dinner. Always delicious; ate too much. It was a nice afternoon with his family. Afterwards, we went to my parents, Eric couldn't stay for dinner since he had to pick up our friends from Canada that are staying with his parents for shopping.

My mom, brother, and I ate quickly then had to go to Wal-mart. Yup. We were those people who would rather spend Thanksgiving shopping than with family. Oh, well. We love it. Eric, Victor, and Natashia met us there. I had to wait in line to score Eric's Christmas present; a 60 in. Vizio led smart TV. We got it! haha He was so excited, they were running late so I had to make sure I was front and center! My mom got a lot of gifts off her list, which I was glad about. It was a fun night. The crowd wasn't bad and there were no fights at our wal-mart. 

After loading the TV, we headed to Dickson City to do more shopping. 10 minutes shopping in Old Navy and an hour waiting in line to check out. Ughh but we got 200$ worth of clothes for 88$ so I guess I can't complain. haha

Ben enjoyed his first Thanksgiving. We didn't let him try any food and it bothered the grandparents but they will get over it.

That was our day! We scored a lot of great gifts at great prices, enjoyed lots of time with family and friends we don't see enough, and just enjoyed each other.

A Few Recipes.

So, here are a few of my own recipes that we enjoy that are almost weekly staples in our household. Most of these recipes are for 2 people but are easy adaptable. 

Chicken Parmigiana 

2 Large boneless skinless chicken breast sliced in half.

32 Oz. sauce (whichever you prefer, we like meat flavored)

2 Cups Mozz cheese

3/4 Cups Parm cheese

2 Eggs

1.5 cups bread crumbs (we use seasoned panko I add garlic powder, onion powder, Salt, and Pepper)

Olive oil

Pre-heat oven to 350.

I slice the chicken in half lengthwise then each half in half width wise, dip in egg, then in breadcrumbs. Add olive oil to a pan on Med-high heat. I fry the chicken until fully cooked about 6 minutes on each side, cooking times will vary depending on thickness of chicken. 

Pour half the sauce into the bottom of a baking dish, add the chicken, sprinkle with parm cheese, cover with the remaining sauce.

I bake the dish, uncovered for 15 minutes then add the mozz cheese and bake for another 15-20 minutes, until the cheese is melted but not quite browned. Serve with spaghetti. 

My Favorite Meatloaf

2 Lbs. ground beef

1 Egg, lightly beaten 

3/4 Cup breadcrumbs

2 TBSP ketchup, plus more for top

2 TBSP Worcestershire sauce

1/2 onion, diced

1 Tsp. crushed garlic

Salt

Pepper

Pre-heat oven to 375

Mix all ingredients together, form into loaf pan or if your like me and don't own one yet (I know, right!?) form a loaf and use a baking dish. Once formed, rub top with ketchup.

Bake for 1-1.5 hours. 

Beef Stroganoff

1 Lb. ground beef

1 onion diced

1 Lb. egg noodles

1 10.5 can beef consume

1 10.5 can beef broth

2 TBSP flour

1 10.5 can cream of mushroom soup

2 TBSP ketchup

1 TBSP Worcestershire sauce

8 Oz. sour cream

 

In a large, deep pan, brown ground beef with onion, drain fat. add back to pan. Add beef consume and 1/2 can of beef broth. In remaining broth, mix flour, add to pan and stir to thicken. Add in ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, and cream of mushroom soup. Remove from heat, add sour cream until mixed. Boil egg noodles. Add beef mixture to noodles. We serve ours with mashed potatoes on the side. 

Just a few for now! Will add more and ones I have tested from Pinterest.

It Snowed.

Well, it snowed here in lovely NEPA tonight. We ended up with just a tad over an inch. I know it has snowed more in other parts of the country already but I HATE the snow! It's pretty to look at from the comfort of my warm home out a window. But I hate being or driving in it. I am not prepared to drive in it with Ben! Now, I am a pretty good driver in bad weather but it still frightens me to no end and I am tense the whole time. Ughh!

I think maybe we will become hermits this winter since Ben is still so little. It's too cold to take him out in it anyway, right?! My fear controls my life, as much as I wish it didn't, the things that scare me, control me. I'm flawed but I deal with it.

On the other hand, I can't wait until Ben is old enough to play in it! I can't wait until he and Daddy make snowmen and have snowball fights and make snow angels! I say he and daddy because I will be watching from the comfort of my warm home. I will have hot cocoa ready and waiting though!

It is suppose to warm up this week though, like, in the high 50's warm! NEPA is such a finicky area with weather. Maybe one day we will get to move south. Eric and I would love to move to one of the Carolina's but he has an amazing job here and all of our family is here so for now, we are here, in our little town in the cold.

Little of This, Little of That...

Ben had his 4 month well check today! I can't believe he will be 4 months old on Friday! Where did the time go?! He is doing great! 15 lbs 8 oz and 26 inches. Happy and healthy! We couldn't of been more pleased with his progress and neither could his pediatrician! He had to get 3 shots and 1 oral vaccine this time. He did so much better then his 2 month shots! Only cried for about a minute! Our big boy! We do have to take him back next week to get his 4th shot, they didn't have it in stock today.

Ben ended up getting a low grade fever so we had to give him Tylenol to help it go down and help with is pain. Other than that, he has been super happy! He rolled over for the first time tonight and can now be carried on the hip! Such a big boy! he will also sit on his own for a minute or two before slowly teetering to the side. It is so cute. :)

Eric is busy at work with meetings and new programs going in so he is pretty tired when he gets home but he still spends time with Ben, feeds and bathes him and also gets up with him in the middle of the night so I can sleep. Such a great guy, we are lucky.

Eric and I are still trying to get over our coughs but luckily Ben has not caught it! I can't wait to be rid of it.

I am going to be going to talk to a Dr. in the next couple days. I have been feeling a little depressed I suppose. Eric thinks it would be good, I agree. It was hard to admit my feelings of distance and sadness to our baby to him, but I am glad I did. Don't get me wrong, I love my son, more than anything. But I feel disconnected to him lately since he has stopped wanting to nurse out of no where. I think not knowing he would do that and being unprepared emotionally for it took me by surprise. I cherished our bonding time and looked forward to his bedtime feeding. So, I have been feeling slightly out of sorts and it's best to catch it and work on it now then to let it go thinking I can just get over it myself. Postpartum depression can show up anytime in the first year. Mainly in the first 1-3 months and I have been feeling this way for the past 3 weeks now. I am hoping Ben is just going through a phase and will want to nurse again, soon. I pump while he isn't nursing so he can still get breast milk but it just isn't the same.

Well, that's all for now!

Where Did October Go?!

October has come and gone! Halloween was fun! Ben was a "mischievous monkey". We took him into town to the little Halloween parade with my sister, brother in law, and their daughter. Ben didn't win the costume contest, but he definitely won first place in my eyes, but I suppose I am just a tad bit biased. Eric is currently sick so I am in super sanitize mode. The baby had a stuffy nose for two days but that is all! Fingers crossed it stays that way! I am sure to catch it a week after Eric is all better, that's usually how it goes.

I have been testing out some more recipes I have found through pinterest. I will do a post on them when I have more time! But, so far, all delicious! Man, I love pinterest and Eric does not complain when I spend 3 hours looking at recipes and pinning. The way to a mans heart...

I am so excited that Catching Fire comes out in 21 days!! Eric and I are going to see it at 9 PM. Baby is having a sleepover with Aunt Ashley, Uncle Joe, and Madeline so we can have a date night and sleep in a bit since we won't get home until late. Thankful for all the family Eric and I are surrounded by, they are always willing to take him for a night or couple hours so we can have our time together. He is so loved!

Eric and I went to see a Giants game with our good friends Brad and Heather, they have a baby 5 weeks older than Ben so that's nice. It was so much fun! I was so nervous about leaving Ben overnight for the first time but he did great and so did I! We had a blast, tailgated for a bit and grilled and our seats were awesome! Right behind the end zone. Such a great night and Eric was so happy to be at a Giants game since he didn't get to go to one last year. The drive isn't bad, either; only about 2.5 hours.

That's all the news for now, I suppose! Eric and I still make it a point to have a date every week and it has helped us to stay connected. We also spend at least an hour together after Ben goes to bed to catch up and relax together.

 Ben with his cousin Maddy at his first sleepover!

having a blast!!

My Journey with Breastfeeding.

So, I currently breastfeed Ben as much as possible but I also have to supplement quite a bit since I just do not have enough breast tissue to produce enough milk to exclusively breastfeed. I suppose I could just quit and formula feed my baby. Hell, it would be easier, wouldn't it? I suppose so...but then I would be denying my son the best food for him.

 Now, I am not all "breast is best and if you don't breastfeed you are the worst mother" but I do agree, breast is best, and despite all my trying to increase my supply...seriously...everything, I just am not able to. It was and still is a struggle to accept that. Before I got pregnant I swore I would NEVER breast feed!! I thought it wasn't natural and it shouldn't be done in public. Then I found out I was pregnant and I automatically started researching everything about breastfeeding and how to make it work and last. I couldn't wait for the moment they put my baby in my arms and have him latch on! I just kept telling Eric how I couldn't wait to have that moment. Skip ahead 40 weeks and 3 days with my son in my arms and latched on perfectly on his own, I looked up at Eric with tears in my eyes and said "this is what I have been waiting for."

Ben is now 13 weeks and I am still able to breastfeed him. It may not be much but it is certainly better than none. I have struggled emotionally with not being able to exclusively breastfeed and I am anxious for the day Ben no longer wants to nurse. Sometimes I do wonder if I should just give up and sometimes I want to. I thankfully never had any nipple pain except for one cracked nipple that bled for about two days. I am tired all the time. I pump when Eric gives him a bottle I pump after I give him a bottle and nurse. Pumping sucks. Plain out sucks. It is time consuming when I don't have any extra time, it is uncomfortable, and it breaks my heart when I spend 45 minutes pumping only to get 2 oz at the most andddd then I drop it on the kitchen floor and cry. I don't need that. I can just stop to make my life easier. But I won't. I will do it for as long as I can for my son. I suppose this is just one of two aspects of Attached Parenting I have. The other being babywearing.

Breastfeeding is a journey and not an easy one but I refuse to give up and I get defensive when other moms and non-moms tell me to just quit. It is NOT your decision and I did NOT ask for your opinion. I'm sorry that it grossed you out to do it, that you think it is inappropriate to nurse in public, that you think it will mess your sons up when they are older and won't be able to have a healthy sexual relationship with a woman. (seriously, a stranger told me that one.) It is MY choice, MY son, and I do NOT care what you think. I am not whipping my boobs out in public, I use a cover for my own comfort, not yours. Do not come up and thank me for being considerate of others who get uncomfortable around public nursers. Get over yourself. This is the most beautiful, natural, greatest thing I have ever done and I am proud of what I can give my son. I comfort him when he is sad, I put him to sleep when he is tired, I nourish him the best I can before and after every bottle. I suggest every mother atleast TRY breastfeeding and if it just isn't for you, than fine, I do NOT judge if you want to give your child formula, I have no other choice to so I have no right to judge. Before I had a baby I admit that I did and I was so wrong in doing so.

Also, make sure you have the love and support from your significant other-whether it be your husband, boyfriend, wife, girlfriend whomever. Eric has supported me through and through this whole experience and I am not sure I could have done it without him. I cried for a month straight over not being able to exclusively breastfeed and he was there for me when I wanted to stop. He was supportive and loving and understanding and kept pushing me and reminding me how much our son loves our "cuddle time" together. (that is what we call it to other people when I have to nurse him). I was able to talk to him about all my concerns and worries, about all the things I wanted to try that could possibly increase my supply. He was right there to buy whatever it was I needed to accomplish that. Gatorade, Mother's Milk Tea, flax seed, lactation blend vitamins, fenugreek, every oatmeal product out there, lactation cookies (i have 4 lbs of ground flax seed in my pantry)..I think you see how he has been supportive of me.

A Rained Out Night and a Delicious Recipe!!!

Friday we had our annual family and friends party at Roba's Family Farm. We rent a party tent, everyone brings food, and we hang out. There is TONS to do there! Pick pumpkins, launch pumpkins, piglets races, big bouncy thing, a store, campfires.. lots of family fun! We got there around 6:15 and were promptly rained out and had to leave! I was so bummed out! We also took my niece, Maddy with us. So, we decided to buy Maddy some crafts and she was going to spend the night and hang out with me and Ben while Eric had a guys night at my brothers.

I was a little nervous to have both baby and Maddy by myself overnight, but it was so much fun! Maddy helped me give Ben his tubby and we watched a movie and ate popcorn and painted crafts. Maddy and the baby were asleep by 11:30 and I was asleep by 12:30! 

I am glad Eric went to hang out with my one brother and some friends. He needed some away, guy time. He seemed to enjoy himself, too. 

Saturday, we had my parents 32nd wedding anniversary dinner. 32 years! Way to go mom and dad!! We dropped Ben off at Erics parents, got dressed up and headed to the Casino for dinner at Ruth's Chris steakhouse. I wore heels for the first time in a year! My feet were so sore!! haha It was a nice dinner. Delicious martinis! Eric and I each had one.

We are keeping busy. I am trying new recipes every week I find off of pinterest... I made stuffed pepper casserole... delicious! It is definitely a must try! Here is the recipe! It is from the A Kitchen Addiction blog. Awesome! I did use ground turkey instead of ground beef and it was just as delicious! I just browned the ground turkey in about 1 tablespoon of veg. oil.

That is all for now! I will post more recipes of dishes I have tried in a different post with my comments on each one. 

2 Month Check-Up!

Benjamin had his 2 month check-up today! Oh my poor baby and my poor heart!! He was such a good boy for the nurse and his Pediatrician! Lots of smiles and giggles! He is a growing boy! 24 inches and 13lbs 14 oz! Where did my baby go?! Dr. says he is happy, healthy, and we are doing everything right! We are her poster parents! Yay!!

Then came the bad part...4 shots and an oral vaccine! Ughh.. I was so anxious for 2 days before his appointment and couldn't sleep! We started with the oral first since he liked it so much the first time he got one...well, not this time!!! He started crying and tried to spit it out! I felt so bad! But he calmed down and I laid him on the table held his hands and Eric and I talked to him while the nurse gave him his shots. Oh, my heart broke so bad for my little man! He cried so hard! He was staring up at me with tears screaming down his face and I couldn't do anything but talk to him and hold his hands and cry. It was the longest minute ever until I was able to hold him!

I know he won't remember, but I will! It was so bad! He has to go back in November and do it all over again! Ughh! I am just so glad Eric comes with us to every appointment! He is such a good daddy and spent the day cuddling Ben when we got home. <3 I love my boys!

Ben being a ham before the shots!

Date Night is Good for the Heart.

Ben had a Dr's appointment the other day because he was having tummy troubles. He is having a hard time pooping and pulls his knees up to his chest and cries so they had to rule out any intestinal issues. poor baby had to have a rectal exam! He did NOT like it and neither did I! I think I cried as much as he did. My poor baby.. :( But! Thankfully he is okay! He was just backed up! No constipation, no dehydration and no other issues!!! He ended up pooping that night! Guess his Dr. did the trick!

We tried everything! q-tips, tummy rubs, working his legs, prune, pear, and karo syrup, warm compresses... I was so worried and felt so horrible that I couldn't help him. I barely slept! But I am feeling better now and he seems to be in much better spirits! It is so heartbreaking when your child is in pain and you can't do anything, other than hold and rock them, to help them.

Eric and I have been a little distant lately...my fault..I am dealing with some hormones all out of whack and just emotional. I feel lonely..I miss my best friend and I need some "me" time. I go to a Mary Kay party every month but I have to bring the baby because Eric always has plans or work and I don't want to ask him to break plans. He needs his time, too. So, I talked to Eric and we decided that every Wednesday would be date night! Just me and him. One week we will go out for dinner and a movie or what-not and the next we will do an in home date night with a theme! Sounds cheesy, but we are excited! haha We are going to have a Mexican night and make an authentic mexican dish with a delicious drink to match, watch a movie, play board games, just hang out while his parents watch Ben for a few hours. This past week we went to Ruby Tuesdays and to see We Are The Millers. HILARIOUS! I loved it!! haha I loved getting dressed in something other than yoga pants... I don't even "do" yoga! haha Put make-up on and did my hair. We really enjoyed ourselves and I needed that time away to be with Eric and allow myself to miss my son.

I suggest this to all new parents, when you are ready! Pick a night and make it date night every week! It helps keep your sanity especially if you don't have many people to talk to outside of family.

Nothing New!

So I had my Mary Kay party yesterday and today I had my friend Heathers Thirty One party. We also decided to participate in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides for Breast Cancer Event on the 19th of October. It is a 3 mile walk in Binghamton, NY which is about 30 minutes North of me. I am excited to be apart of this! I have done the Relay for Life walk many times and always enjoyed helping raise money and show support. I am walking with my friends Heather and Natashia and a couple of Heather's friends. We are going to make t-shirts and do fundraising. I'm excited! I love any kind of craft! I suggest everyone participate in any way they can with foundations and  cancer research! Even if you only donate $5.00...it is a big help! Everyone has been affected by cancer one way or another. It is horrible and we need to find cures!!!

Other than that, things are good in our household! Busier than ever, but I can't complain! Sundays are now reserved for Giants football once again! Even though this season so far has not been fun to watch! Oh, well... hopefully they get their act together, soon! My mom works with Chris Snee's mom and she complains all the time about how bad it has been! haha

Ben has his 2 month check-up and shots coming up, plus church fall festival and a dr. appointment for me with lots of fun things going on in between! I love fall!

A couple adorable pictures!

Weekend Trip to Cape May!

Hello September! I can't believe that Ben will be 2 months old in just a couple days! Time really does fly!!

The beach trip was awesome, well, at least it was once we arrived! It was a 5 hour drive for us due to traffic and 1 stop. Ben did great! Except for when we were in bumper to bumper traffic of 76 and he woke up hungry and angry!! I felt so bad! There was no where to pull off safely and we weren't really moving so Eric leaned over his seat to feed Ben in his car seat. Things were much better after that! haha

Friday night we relaxed for a little and chatted with my Aunt and Uncle before bed. Ben slept SO good! I felt refreshed in the morning! haha We went to breakfast then had to get Eric a new swimsuit because we forgot his...oops! 2 hours later...we found one! We were in a BEACH TOWN and could NOT find a dang swimsuit! Granted, it was end of August haha but after 5 stores, we found one! We decided for the first day to put the baby in his stroller with his swim trunks, onesie, and hat on and put him under the umbrellas. He did great! Slept the whole time and woke up to eat once and his skin was cool to the touch! We only spent 4.5 hours at the beach, perfect amount of time. We took some pictures by the cape may row boat and the water. It was nice! Went out for dinner and did a little shopping. Repeat for Sunday and Monday haha. We left NJ around 6 on Monday and got home by midnight. We spent about an hour in Allentown to feed the baby and what not. He was perfect the whole car ride!

I am really glad we went. I was very nervous but Ben did great! Got a little fussy at the Bay on Monday but we were only out for 2 hours. It was nice spending time with my family since we live 4 hours from them, I like to see them when I can! I am so excited to take him next year when he can walk (hopefully!) and play in the water! We will be at the beach in February but he will only be 7 months then.

A few pictures from our trip!

Ben Meets the Family!

So last weekend was the annual Tomcho Pig Roast. My mother's side of the family goes to my Uncle's every year and he does a big pig roast, we all get together, hang out, drink, laugh, play volleyball, catch up, and relax. I look forward to it every year and I was so excited Ben was here for this one! He finally got to meet the rest of his Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins from my moms side of the family that weren't able to come to my parents party earlier in July.

We had a lot of fun and a little "us" time to enjoy a drink or two while everyone else gushed over the baby! haha it was nice to say "okay, I am going to have 2 drinks today and I won't feel guily about it!" I am not a big drinker to begin with but sometimes I like to relax and enjoy and cocktail but if I had a beer while at dinner since Ben has arrived I struggled with feeling guilty about it.

I always have so much fun when I get to spend time with my cousins, especially Carrie! She is so funny! Eric loves her, also. I am so glad my whole family loves Eric! He has fit right in since the beginning!  I think Ben enjoyed himself, also. He was such a good boy (no surprise there!) and did so well with his first sleep away from home! He actually slept better and longer! haha. little stinker!

This weekend we will be going to Cape May with my Uncle Matt, Aunt Cathy, and cousin Emily. They are the ones who host the pig roast each year. I am so excited for Ben's first trip to the beach but anxious about keeping him from getting too much sun! He will only be 5 weeks old and he can't have sun block yet. I am sure it will be fine though!

Things have been flowly smoothly here, which is good. Buddy isn't pooping everyday and I am trying not to worry about it too much! We will see how that goes! That is all for now.. I have tons of laundry to do and packing before we leave tomorrow! this is a rambling post and doesn't have any form to it. haha Oh, well!!!

Just a Few Thoughts...

I find myself wondering if I am obsessing over my baby too much and not paying enough attention to Eric. First, is it possible to obsess too much over your child, especially if nothing is wrong? I don't think so. He is perfect. I love interacting with him and making him smile.

Second, Eric is an amazing father and partner. Through all my tiredness, irritability, and general craziness of life right now I never forget to stop and notice him. I see how tired he is, how hard he works, how much love he has for Ben and me, how incredibly sexy he is, how he snores SO loud, how he gets up in the middle of the night to get the baby when he starts fussing so I don't wake up, but I do. I notice that and I smile every time and fall back to sleep. I am truly blessed.

Eric deserves everything he could possibly want and more and sometimes I think that it might be just more attention from me. We talk all the time throughout the day and night but sometimes I find that we talk about the baby...and not us. I feel bad and this is all an adjustment and I know we will fall into a better routine. Things are great though, I just need to show him more how much I care and notice him. 

I am madly in love with my little family and who I am. After years of struggling with my body, my future, and relationships I feel I am finally where I am meant to be and who I am meant to be. I am a fearless and fearful mother learning her new job in life and the most important one at that. I love my new body and embrace it everyday! Stretch marks and touching thighs and all! I am a best friend, partner, lover, supporter, and biggest fan to the one person on this earth I know I am meant to be with. 

I know I sometimes Eric may not get all the attention he deserves or the kind he is needing at that moment in time, but I will never forget to stop and tell him and show him how much I love, appreciate, adore, need, and care for him. 

The Past Month!

Life with a 1 month old is...pretty awesome. We have ourselves a happy, healthy, adorably beautiful baby boy who has brought so much joy to so many people in such a small amount of time...and boy, the time has gone by SO fast!! it feels like just yesterday we were bringing him home! 

We have adjusted well and have fallen into a decent routine. Eric and I both get around 5-7 hours of sleep a night. Awesome! I have to supplement with formula right now since my supply isn't quite enough, but I am hoping that changes soon! Lots of pumping and eating oatmeal. 

Ben is such a joy to have. We have lots of cuddle time and bonding time. I fall more in love with this little guy every day. 

At his first check-up, he was a little underweight so the Dr. wanted him to be back up to atleast his birth weight by his 2 week appointment. I worried a lot between those appointments but when we went back he was above his birth weight! I was so happy! I couldn't stop smiling and felt so relieved! As a first time mom, I worry! I try to keep my worrying to a "normal" amount, but what is normal? Eric is much more relaxed than I am, which works good. He brings me back down. We make an awesome team. 

My parents had a big summer party and Ben got to meet his Great pop-pop, and great aunt and uncle. It was awesome! We are going to my aunt and uncle's house this coming weekend for the annual pig roast and he will get to meet all his cousins and 2nd..and 3rd cousins haha and more aunts and uncles! I am so excited!!! It will be his first long car trip..about 3.5 hours and his first time sleeping somewhere other than home so I am hoping he does good!

My parents and Eric's parents are just loving him so much!! Eric's parents see more of him than mine though, since we live about 45 minutes from mine and 15 from his. But we try to make it as even as possible. 

We haven't taken him anywhere really, yet. Just to see family. We did get to go out without baby, though for a few hours. I did really well! It was the ride home that felt the longest!! We just went to the mall and did a little in between sizes shopping... I was tired of wearing maternity clothes that were too big and my pre-pregnancy clothes are just a tad too small still. It has been awesome seeing my body transformation this past 4 weeks. I am 7 lbs. shy of my pre-pregnancy weight!! Awesome! i also have never felt...sexier, more confident about my body. Pregnancy and labor and delivery really do well for my self-esteem. We were gone for about 3 hours, it was a nice break and I feel like we needed that time away. It is true, time away makes you better parents. you take a step back, clear your head for a bit, and it makes you miss your baby more. I suggest it to every parent...but when you are ready. Ours was a whim, family friends were visiting from Canada and wanted to go to the mall, so we decided to tag along. It was nice. I am glad we did it. We also leave him for about 2 hours while we go grocery shopping so he isn't exposed to too many germs and people at wal-mart and target. We did also stop at Red Robin for dinner which was nice, and on Monday Eric and I went to the mall so I could get my hair done, finally!!! And went to applebee's for dinner. Eric wanted to treat me to a relaxing night. He sure is special! It was a great outing.

That's all for now... this was a bit rambly..Sorry

Feeling Lost...

My best friend of 15 years moved with her husband today and I feel lost. They only moved to North Carolina which is only a 9 hour drive! haha but she is my best friend who I saw all the time. It is a weird feeling, losing someone so close to you but they aren't gone forever. I am so happy for them, though. They are finally starting their new life together and they are excited and scared at the same time. They will be fine.

I just wish she could be here to watch Ben grow up. I know there is skype and visits but it isn't the same! I am praying for a safe trip to their new home and wish them nothing but luck and love! Life is certainly changing! We are no longer kids or teenagers or girls going to the bar every night to dance. I know we will always be close. We don't tend to give up on each other!

Baby Blues.

The baby blues are a real thing and no joke. They also appear out of no where. I have felt pretty good for the first couple days home, enjoying every moment with our precious little baby. <3 I love looking in the mirror and seeing my stomach go down to almost nothing! Thanks, breastfeeding! haha but then, out of no where, I was looking in the mirror and the tears came. I missed so heartbreakingly bad my pregnant belly and my baby in my belly. I wanted it back. It was a horrible ache in my heart how much I missed it. I would look at Ben and just cry that he was here and not still inside me. I love him and I am happy he is here but it was such a strong emotion I was feeling that all I would do is cry. 
It was the worst at night, I would cry in the shower and while nursing him before bed. I felt like this feeling and longing and pain would never go away. But, one day, about 2 weeks later (which, I believe they say is about how long normal "Baby Blues" lasts for), I woke up, and I was okay. I felt happy and fell in love with my baby. 

 I knew ahead of time though, that this usually happens and to be aware that it can turn into Postpartum depression. So, I knew to talk to Eric, let him know how I was feeling and talk through it all. I knew that sometimes, people don't know when/if someone has ppd and it can escalate to horrible outcomes. Now, I am pretty sure no one really reads this blog...but if you do, and you know someone who just had a baby or is soon to have one, or had one within the past year, because postpartum depression can hit anytime really within the first year, please, keep a watchful eye on them, talk to them, ask how they feel and if anything seems out of the ordinary do not just chalk it up to "she's tired, she just had a baby, things are stressful with a new baby, this will pass"... it may not. or it may.

Women need a great support team during and after pregnancy. I am very lucky that I have Eric, my whole family, and Eric's family to talk to and who support us. It was a very hard time when it hit me, but I knew I had to take control or the baby blues could turn into something worse. 

...And Baby Makes 3!

Sunday July 14th I woke up a couple times in the early morning with back pain but thought nothing of it since we had already went to the hospital with back pain and would just go back to bed. Around 7:45 AM I woke up with the urge to go to the bathroom but nothing. I checked the toilet like I have been for the past couple weeks for any signs of my plug and saw a few drops of blood. I woke Eric up to have him check it was blood and at 8 AM I had my first contraction, than 8 minutes later I had another. Eric kicked into gear, took a shower and got ready quickly, I took my time. I put a load of laundry in the washer, took a shower, got dressed for church (yeah, right!), did my hair and make-up, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the bedroom..I was preparing. We stopped at his parents on the way to the hospital to let his dad know we wouldn't be making it to church to hear him speak. Eric's mom tried to give us a bag clip and trash bag to sit on in case my water broke. I called my mom when we left their house and asked her what she was doing and when she asked me I told her I was having a baby. I could hear her kick into gear over the phone! She was getting ready and my parents were meeting us at the hospital. When we got to the hospital around 11:40 AM and got settled into our room a Resident came in to check me and see if we would be staying or going home... my contractions were 4 minutes apart..I wasn't going anywhere! But, this...brilliant... resident spent 3.5 minutes checking me and said I was only .5 centimeters. She couldn't even find my uterus so I was pretty sure she was wrong so when she said she would send the doctor in the check me I just looked at her and said good. The Dr. came in and as soon as he checked me he said I was 3.5 centimeters and we would be staying until baby was here!! YAY! Finally!!! I just looked over at Eric and smiled! I kept pretty much all of my emotions to myself all day. Inside I was a nervous wreck and anxious and happy! But I didn't want to worry Eric with anything and wanted him to enjoy this experience as much as he possibly could! 

My parents and my little sister got to the hospital around 1:30 and Eric's parents got there shortly after. I was so glad to have both of our parents with us during this. His parents weren't planning on coming to the hospital until the baby was born since they didn't think I would want them there while in labor but they are such a big part of my life and my heart and I wouldn't of had it any other way. We spent the early afternoon talking and watching the Adam Sandler movie marathon that was on T.V.. Awesome! 

My contractions were painful but easy to breathe through that I am sure that our family didn't really know when I was contracting unless they looked at the monitor...which my dad did. constantly. Every time it beeped he worried. I was also hooked up to an I.V with fluids since I was a bit dehydrated when we arrived so I that was annoying but whatever.

I was checked again around 4:30 and was 4 centimeters so the Doctor decided to order pitocin and broke my water, when he did that, he saw that the baby had pooped and told me not to worry but that Eric couldn't cut the cord and I wouldn't be able to hold my baby right away. I was heartbroken when I heard that but I knew it was for my babies safety. I could tell Eric was disappointed and my heart broke for him. The Dr. also told me he had to call the pediatrician and he would have to be there to take the baby right away. That was scary but I knew we would be okay I had faith and kept praying for his safety. I decided to order an epidural at this point. I was dealing very well with the contractions and knew I was going to get any epidural when I was around 7 centimeters but I knew the pitocin would make things worse so I went ahead and got it before the pitocin. I didn't feel the epidural process at all! I was excited because I heard it is painful but it went in quick and I didn't feel a thing! Then, as soon as it started working I really didn't feel a thing! I could still move and lift my legs they just felt very heavy. I hated that Eric wasn't allowed in the room when they were giving me my epidural. I wanted his support but he was right outside waiting for me. I was very energetic all day and super talkative and just happy. Every now and then Eric and I would just look at each other and smile. <3 I loved that. We were communicating with our eyes. 

The bad thing was I was SOOOO thirsty and SOOO hungry! I definitely should have eaten breakfast before we got there since I knew they wouldn't let me eat and just wanted to drink water but they wouldn't let me eat or drink anything all day! just ice chips! I was able to have some diet lemon lime soda though, but it doesn't exactly quench your thirst! haha 

The day progressed and there were babies being born left and right!!! It was crazy! At about 9:30 my epidural stopped working and they came in and pulled it back about 2 centimeters thinking that was the problem...but it wasn't! And my contractions were RIGHT on top of each other!!! I was in so much pain and getting very emotional so Eric kicked everyone out for a couple minutes so I could cry a little and catch my breath. Finally at 11 though, they came back and gave me a completely knew epidural which did the trick! The anesthesiologist made sure I wasn't going to feel anything! haha I also didn't feel that one being put it but I was in pain from my contractions. 

11:40 PM hit and I finally reached 10 centimeters! We were there for 12 hours at this point but  felt like we were only there for 3! I was still very full of energy and my day just flew by! I could tell everyone else was getting very tired and anxious for baby to get here! haha The nurse, Janine, who, by the way, was so amazing! She made me feel so comfortable and safe. I absolutely loved her!!! So, since I was so 10 centimeters and 100% effaced, and completely numb haha Janine wanted me to do some practice pushes while we waited for the Dr. to finish up another delivery in the next room and for the pediatrician to arrive. He had to be there for the delivery since the baby pooped in the womb he had to make sure he got him as soon as he came out to suction so he doesn't take a breath and get the meconium in his lungs. Eric and I decided to have my mom in the room with us for the delivery, so her and Eric held my legs and I did 2 sets of practice pushes and had to stop until the Dr. got in there since he was only 2 inches up! Yay! I was glad they let him come down as far as he could on his own.

I started pushing at 11:42 P.M it took a few pushes for me to feel when I had to push in my bottom and to know I was pushing the right way. I had a hard time holding my breath for 10 seconds at a time and it was making me very nauseous...Eric had a vomit bag ready! haha but I didn't throw up! The Dr. was worried about getting him out so we were on a mission! 

I don't really remember much from midnight to 12:20. I thought I was being loud but Eric said I was very quiet. I knew it was calm in the room but in my mind I thought I was screaming and everyone was yelling different things at me haha but I guess that wasn't the case! haha once the baby started crowning I felt immense pressure! Still, no real pain, since the epidural was working so well, but it was so much pressure I started to cry and whispered I can't do this, I can't do this. But I made eye contact with the Dr. who had a look of determination in his eyes and he wouldn't look away and told me to push 1 really big, long, hard push to get him right out and I just said Okay and pushed as hard and long as I could! I felt his head come out and tried to rest but I wasn't able to rest in between his head and body since he could take a breath before then so I rallied and at 12:22 A.M with one more big push he was out!! He was here!!! I saw Eric and he was smiling so big and my mom was crying and I tried to catch a glimpse of him, but I couldn't see him with all the drs and nurses in the way! I just remember telling Eric to go over and make sure he was ok. He said he was perfect. <3 

I just kept hearing he was perfect and beautiful and so cute and i did a great job but all I wanted was to see him. To hold him. I have waited 10 long months for him to be here. I carried him and protected him and nurished him for 40 weeks and 2 days and I couldn't even see him. I didn't get to have him on my chest as soon as he came out due to the meconium. I cried. I cried because I was so happy he was here and because I was sad I didn't get to hold him or see him. Eric took some photos and he and my mom went to the waiting room to show his parents and my dad and sister. Finally, 30 minutes later, I got to see and hold my little baby boy for the first time. The nurse wanted me to try nursing him right then and so I got ready and comfortable as she was coming over with him and as soon as I got him in my arms and near my chest, he latched on by himself!! It was so incredible and perfect and what I had been waiting for! I just looked up at Eric and said, this is what I have been waiting for. <3 The nurse left us and we were finally alone with our son. He nursed for 40 minutes before we brought everyone in to see him and hold him.

I had the most amazing labor. I felt amazing and beautiful. It was a fantastic experience and I hope if we are blessed with another baby, that the experience is just as great! No tearing or cutting on my part ( YAY) and it was calm and we were surrounded by our parents. I pushed for less than an hour and I felt amazing after. I was up and showering and walking around our room and eating! haha by 4:30 AM. Then we hunkered down with our son and got a couple hours of sleep before I nursed him again. <3 

Monday, July 15th 2013 at 12:22 A.M Benjamin Michael Detwiler was born weighing in at 8lbs 5oz and 18.5 inches long. <3 100% happy and healthy. He didn't swallow any meconium and he barely made a peep. We couldn't be happier. I have never been happier. My son has an amazing dad and we are a family of 3 now. It was the most perfect day of my life.  

  

Hello and Goodbye Due Date!!

So, I haven't blogged since July 10! So.. the 11th, which was a Thursday, I was in so much pain. My back was hurting so bad I was crying, so we called our dr. who told us to go to the hospital and I may be in labor and can't feel the contractions in the front because my back pain was so strong. We get to the hospital, which took us just a little over an hour to get to, and I register and change and get hooked up to the monitors and....NOTHING! They checked me and I was completely closed still! I was upset considering my due date was the next day and I wanted so kind of progress by then! So, I stayed hooked up to the monitors for an hour and listened to everyone tell me I will be back soon and sometimes women go into false labor and blah blah blah..Not what I wanted to hear in the middle of July with a giant belly in front of me.. but, I smiled and said I know. So back home we went and I took some Tylenol and slept. 

 Our due date was July 12..which came and went... I was a little discouraged but knew Ben was coming one way or another and had only 9 days past my due date before he would be forced out! The 12th was a Friday...nothing eventful happened.. my back felt much better, though! Saturday the 13th Eric and I spent the day at my parents in the pool and relaxing then visited his parents. When we got home, it was late...Midnight, maybe? and I had the urge to clean the bathroom..which is not unusual for me, but it was late and we were tired so I asked Eric if he would help me clean after church and we went to bed.

I woke up at 7:45 AM with the urge to go to the bathroom...but all I did was pee! So, like a typical pregnant woman one whole day past her due date, I checked the toilet for anything I should be looking out for and saw what I thought was blood... I had to go back to the bedroom, grab my glasses, and go back to make sure it was in fact, blood. It was. I was a little nervous because I kept waking up in the middle of the night with some back pain...but that was nothing new for me...except It felt a lot deeper. So, I woke Eric up and asked him to go look in the toilet. (the things he does for me <3). At exactly 8 AM I had my first contraction!!! Then another one 8 minutes apart!! I wasn't in panic mode though, and was determined to make it to church since Eric's dad was doing the sermon that morning. So, Eric took a shower and I timed my contractions..still 8 minutes apart then I took a shower, got dressed, did my hair and make-up, did a full load of laundry, cleaned the bathroom, made the bed, cleaned the kitchen... Haha Eric probably thought I was crazy!!! We put the bags and the car seat in the car and headed out! We decided we shouldn't go to church because by 10 AM my contractions were 7 minutes apart, so we headed to his parents to give them the news! 

When we walked in Eric told his dad we wouldn't be making it to church and he asked if I was in labor. Yes, we were! I had joked with Mike for over a week about how we probably wouldn't make it to church to hear his sermon since I would probably be having a baby, and it turned out to not be a joke!! at this point... 10:15 by the way..my contractions were down to 5 minutes apart, and we still had to stop and get gas! I know...make sure the tank is full for just in case!! oh well, we did fine! 

After we left his parents, I called my mom...no stopping in there since they live 45 minutes from us, same road as eric's parents but just 30 minutes past them! haha. I asked her what she was doing and she said nothing, sitting outside with my niece and nephew and asked what we were doing and I said "oh, nothing, just having a baby..." And she went into panic mode! How far are my contractions? are we headed to the hospital? She is getting in the shower RIGHT now and then headed to the hospital with my dad! It was funny. We stopped at the gas station before getting on the interstate to head to the hospital and I still had to call them to let them know we were coming! So, while Eric pumped gas I called and they said to come on up! My contractions were at 4.5 minutes! I was praying we made it to the hospital since we live so far away! 

The car ride was nice and relaxed. I let a few close friends know it was baby time and just enjoyed the last car ride with my love before we became three. <3

Since Father's Day...

So I haven't been able to update since father's day due to a stupid virus on my computer. All is better now!

Not a lot has happened since then, though.. Eric's birthday came and went. It was nice. We spent the day at my parents house in the pool and b-b-queing since his parents were away on vacation. I think he enjoyed his day. :) 

My birthday was yesterday (9th) and it was a very quiet and relaxing day spent in bed due to extreme back pain. haha Eric took me out to dinner and then we stopped at his parents house for ice cream. All I really wanted to do, was sleep! I cannot get enough sleep lately!! 

My due date is this Friday!! I am so excited but I know this baby will not be here by then! I have an appointment on Monday, which will put me at 40 weeks and 3 days so I will also be getting a Non-stress test done for 30 minutes. All they do is hook me up to the monitors and make sure baby still has enough room and his heart rate is good. That is, if he isn't here by then! Which, I don't think he will be, but everyone else seems to think he is on his way, now due to my back pain! haha. Also at this next appointment, we will be scheduling an induction date since my Dr  won't let me go past 41.5 weeks! Although, he can still come on his own before then. I am hoping he does come on his own. I hear getting pitocin makes contractions 10 X worse! ughhh... I also don't want to wait another 1.5 weeks! haha 

We have just pretty much been spending our time at my parents relaxing in the pool while we still can. Eric says he is ready to meet Ben. It is so adorable how excited he is. I love it. I can't wait to meet him, either. :) or to see Eric and Ben interact. But, I am starting to wish I wasn't due this friday. I am going to miss being pregnant so much! Even though my pregnancy hasn't been the easiest, I am going to have a hard time adjusting to him being on the outside, not on the inside moving around. 

Just a quick update for now...

Father's Day.

Two posts in one day.

Sunday was Father's Day. It also happened to be my nieces birthday party that day so we had to split time there and at his parents house. He really wanted to go golfing with his dad but the weather was crappy so they only hit the driving range.

Because I don't have a job, I can't really afford to get Eric any gifts for any occasion. I have made him a Father's Day gift but he hasn't gotten it yet. I just wish I could get him everything he wanted. He works so hard to provide for us and support me. I know he gets stressed out a lot being the only one with an income right now, plus we are less than a month away from having a baby. I just wish he knew how much I appreciate and love him. He is an amazing man, which, I know a lot comes from his amazing parents. He is just so caring and understanding, loving and protective, funny and spontaneous. So many things to describe him. I am beyond lucky to have him love me and our baby. I will admit that I am not the easiest person to deal with. I am moody, picky, argumentative at times, and emotional. Add on top of that everything that comes along with being pregnant and he is pretty much a saint! He does such a great job putting up with me! haha I just wish I could give him the moon and more. I wish I could truly show him the happiness he brings me and the amount I love him but I know there is nothing I could do or say to convey that in the exact right way.

It is extremely embarrassing not being able to afford to even get him a simple gift or being able to pay for anything, really. I hope he knows I do not take him for granted one bit and I worry every day that something will happen and he will be taken from me. Every day. Sometimes words just aren't enough. Just saying Happy Father's Day to him, wasn't enough for me. I never thought I would find a love like this.

When I met him, he was married and best friends with my boyfriend at the time. Then, a year later my boyfriend goes off to Cali with the Marines and isn't able to attend my brothers wedding in OCMD so he says it's okay if Eric goes with me. Eric and his wife were having troubles for a long time before this, but I did not know about them, he had already moved back home. So, we go to OCMD and Eric finds out that his wife has been less than faithful to him for sure while we are there and still nothing happens between us. We slow danced and he would pull me in closer, and I realized, my heart belonged to someone else. I have always had a crush on him and my relationship with my bf was always rocky at best. He was a liar, cheater, drinker, controller.

So, after a couple months of spending all our time together, I finally told my bf it was over. For good. And I let myself be happy and fall in love with an incredible man. I have never regretted my decision or looked back or wondered "what if". I hope he has done the same, also.

People talk about us getting married a lot. Just because we are having a baby doesn't mean he wants to marry me. Do I hope, one day he does? Absolutely. My heart and mind are made up. He is the one for me. I love him and his whole family. They have welcomed me with open arms and open hearts. I am truly blessed for them. I hope one day our little "family of 3" will all share the same last name. <3 but, for now, I suppose my son sharing his last name is good.


Saturday Eric, his brother Jon, their friends Rick, Mark, Tracey, Shawn, CJ, and I went to Hershey park for Eric's birthday. Saturday at an amusement park in June the weekend after school lets out might not have been the smartest idea, but I think everyone for the most part enjoyed the day!

I wanted to go to there because Eric and I have gone the past 2 summers. Granted the first time we went together, he was there with his wife and I was there with my boyfriend, but still, I like to think of it as a sort of tradition now. Plus, we both love rollercoasters! I spent the majority of the first half of the day sitting on a bench in the shade reading a book while they rode rides. Being pregnant at an amusement park is not a whole lot of fun haha. Of course though, like usual, I got cranky and hot and super swollen and it made for a miserable afternoon. I feel awful because Eric and I had a spat and I am pretty sure I ruined his day because I was in pain. We had a small scare at one point, but everything turned out fine. After lunch, things got much better! We walked around Zoo America and watched the Sea Lion show. Overall, I had a nice day just being there with him. We plan to go back for Hershey Park in the Dark in October with the baby! I am so excited! I think that will definitely become our family tradition. We have been 4 times now together, usually 2 days in a row each time. We have such fun when we are there together. <3

Finally Getting Organized!

With only 3 weeks and 2 days left until my due date, but knowing that this little guy can come any day now, I am starting to finally feel prepared! The nursery is pretty much all done except for the crib and dresser. The crib will be here this week and we still haven't picked a dresser, but all his clothes are hanging up or folded nicely in a basket. The paint job Eric did looks great! He spent a lot of time painting the nursery.

The changing table is set up and stocked with diapers, wipes, lotions, and blankets. His toys are neatly put away, Bumbo, cradles, and bouncer are all set up, monitors are charged up, and humidifier is ready to go! We finally ordered his car seat, sound machine, pack n play, gym mat, Moby wrap, and thermometer yesterday and they all should be here by Friday!! Baby's bag is packed, by the door with the boppy. Eric will be packing his bag this weekend and I have still have few little things to get before I pack mine.

It feels so good to finally have things prepared! I have been putting it off for so long "just in case" something happens. I still feel like maybe I have jinxed myself by doing it all now, but, I wasn't allowed to wait any longer. From the moment we found out we were expecting (at 4 weeks), up until week 24 really, I worried about miscarriage. Now, though I worry about a still birth. Crazy? maybe. Normal? Absolutely. It's scary thinking that I could spend 40 +/- weeks carrying, growing, feeling this baby and when the big day finally arrives, something happens and we lose him. The devastation I feel thinking about it is unreal sometimes. I do my best to change thoughts when they pop into my head, but sometimes I have to allow myself to go there in order to prepare for the worst.

I am getting anxious for his arrival. I want to keep him in for as long as I can for many reasons: so he is strong and ready, I can continue to feel him move and kick, I'm scared and nervous about being a good mom, among other things. But, at the same time, as soon as I hit 37 weeks on Friday, I would be okay if he decided to make his big entrance into the world! If Eric could have his way, he would stay in there until he was absolutely ready to come out!

People ask me all the time how I have enjoyed pregnancy and I feel guilty when I tell them that for the most part, I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I know I will miss being pregnant terribly when he is born, but I will not miss the 26 weeks of "morning" sickness, or for me-all day sickness, the backache, hip pain, mood swings, constipation, stretch marks, headaches, insomnia, exhaustion, swelling, itchy skin, achy boobs, general uncomfortableness, trouble breathing, hot flashes... you get the idea. But, I have loved and cherished more than anything, ever feeling him move and kick, feeling his hiccups, hearing his heartbeat, getting to see month by month how he has grown and developed. Knowing that when people are talking to me they don't know that he is using my insides as a kick off point to slide back and forth. It's like our little secret. I love my belly, despite the stretch marks that have decided in the past week to appear on the under side of my belly. I love him so much already and love to picture him looking just like Eric, I can't imagine what I will feel when I finally get to see him and hold him. <3

Pregnancy is absolutely a beautiful thing, it just happens to have a lot of gross and crappy side effects.

A quickish update.

So today we are only 30 days from our due date! I am so excited even though I know he can come before or after July 12th... I just hope it's not after! I am getting fully prepared now, even though it seems like we have nothing accomplished. I have washed, hung, and folded all of Ben's clothes, blankets, bibs, and towels. Eric finished painting the nursery 2 nights ago and our crib is being ordered tomorrow and should arrive by Wednesday! we still have to pick out a dresser but we have a changing table already and décor is being ordered tomorrow, also.

I am so excited to be moving right along with his nursery, for the longest time I felt like nothing was getting done and it was frustrating to walk past his room knowing we aren't even close to being ready! I have registered my breast pump, washed all bottles, nipples, and pacifiers (which I am not sure if we will be using them, yet) I attempted to put his bouncer together, but opened the box and looked at the directions and got very intimidated so I think I will save that and the rock-n-play sleepers for Eric haha.

The weather has been pretty crappy here the past few days and all I want to do is go to my parents and lay by the pool! It has also stopped me from cleaning out my car!! My car is only 1 year old and it tends to somehow collect everything I own. The trunk has things I never unpacked from when Eric and I moved and the backseat collects bags and blankets and everything under the sun. Except garbage. we are very good about that. But, it has been bugging me lately because I want everything all cleaned out of there and the car washed inside and out before we put the car seat, which, we haven't ordered yet, (also tomorrow) in there.

I am feeling pretty good, luckily! Night time is the worst. I can't sleep and when I do fall asleep I can't stay asleep. I wake up to pee every hour, my hips hurt no matter what I do and use, I get hungry. It's extremely frustrating at this point because all I want to do is sleep! So, I guess I am lucky though because I don't work right now and can take naps throughout the day. Lazy! haha

Eric has still continued to be pretty amazing through all of this: my insane mood swings, my attitude, the growing process, morning sickness, exhaustion, stress, lack of motivation... everything. I could not be more blessed to have found him and to have a man that is so supportive and understanding through something that is still very hard for me to process at times and understand fully what exactly is going on. Seriously, so blessed.

Dear baby- please get off my bladder and let me breathe a little today! I have been dealing with trouble breathing for about 3 weeks now, but today is the worst, yet! I can't sit up and breathe, I can't lay down and breathe, I can't walk and breathe! I also fell asleep last night around 1:30 Am only to wake up every hour to pee! I am NOT kidding! Since being awake today, it has been worse! Ouy! I have been dealing with the frequent urination during the night for about a month now, but, like I said, last night and today are the worst!

So, Eric and I have mentioned to each other everyday for the past 3 months that we need to sign up for our 1 full day of birthing class. I finally remembered to call today and the only class before my due date is all filled up... Duh. Like I thought it wouldn't be?! So, we are on a waiting list... but I am not too worried. I feel very prepared. I read everything I could/can on childbirth and the aftermath, and breastfeeding. I feel okay. I am not really kicking myself for procrastinating. I feel bad for Eric, though. haha But, I think he will be fine. He brushes up on stuff from time to time and we are both very supportive of each other and our families have a lot of knowledge on the topic, also.

I spent 4 hours yesterday organizing all of our gifts from the shower. That was just pulling all the clothes we received out of bags and boxes and putting into one GIANT gift bag, organizing all the different bath stuff we received, and toys. I have no clue where we will store the over 30 boxes and packages of diapers we received. Plus, all the wipes! (We asked the men coming to the shower to bring a pack of diapers or wipes.) I am now anxious for our giant bottle of Dreft to arrive so I can start washing all his clothes and blankets! I have a feeling it will take me a while! haha.

Something funny happened today, also. I was going to re-fill my water bottle for the 4th time today when a thought popped into my head. We are having a baby. I know, I know... Seriously, Chelsey? You are 34 weeks pregnant and you are JUST realizing this?! No. I have known. haha But it hit me that our baby will grow up to be a toddler, to a kid, to a pre-teen, to a teen, and then to an adult. The responsibility to have him grow up to be a kind, good hearted, happy human being is on the shoulders of Eric and me. which, I also have known all along, but I think that since my due date is rapidly approaching, it is making me worry, like normal I suppose, that I may fail. I try to tell myself all of those thoughts and feelings though are normal. Eric has a good heart, he is kind, generous, funny, and helpful, among other things as am I. Our families are loving and caring and supportive. I know baby Detwiler will be just fine. how could he not with all of the amazing people in his life? We do not let any negative people in our lives and certainly will not have them in his!